* purple curls & swirls of gold..

in a box

2012-01-22T22:13:00.001-05:00

"You look like a vegetarian"

What does THAT mean? I can't count the times I've been told ignorant crap about myself based on my appearance.

My hair & my diet are two separate things. The only ties linking the two are ME. That's it. It's not complicated. One thing followed another.

"I thought you were Jamaican."

NOT an insult. And yes, I'm of JA descent BUT how you arrived at the conclusion is wrong, so very wrong. So I always reply:

"I'm Guyanese."
Is that in Africa?
*blank stare*

What? Because I have dreads & I'm Black I'm automatically Jamaican? Bullsh*t. There are no typical Jamaicans, Chinese, Indian & etc. people.

No. Not all Guyanese people are of South Asian descent. No, I will not speak in patois for you. No, I'm not mixed. No, I don't say "duck curry".

We're all individuals. I've learned over the years that no one fits into one neat box. Individuals are too fluid to be firmly defined. Those who are not part of the 'norm' (whatever that is) are forced to select 'other' (census Canada & etc).

Better yet:

"You're Jamaican?? But you like soca.... And you don't seem Jamaican."
"You seem to know a lot about the Black Panther movement.... Do you hate White people?"

*mental backhand & blank stare*

Stereotypes. Gotta love 'em.

I'd much rather someone ask a question*, than to blatantly state nonsense. There's not enough time in the day tell people about the ignorant crap they say.

Person: Why are you a vegetarian?
Me: Why is that your business?
Person: I'm just curious....
-end scene-

If you're 'curious' read a book, do some research. There are TOO MANY youtube videos about any & everything to be bothering people with crap. Well, maybe it's just me. I get so many stupid (yes, there are such things as stupid questions) I just get annoyed.

"Why do you do X?"
"Don't use miss Y?"
"I could never do Z!"

Who asked you?

* Sidenote: No, I'd prefer no questions. Think about it like this: I'm one person. Stop & think about how many times I've run into the question you're about to utter. Then think about how it will enrich your life. It probably wont. Lesson? Mind your flickin business.

*Sidenote 2: This is a rant. It's all over the place. *shrug*

- end rant -

all better so soon?

2012-01-22T21:26:00.000-05:00

I'm at 100% again. Who knew I'd get over that mess so quickly? Distractions, basically me living my life, helped so much. Who knew? My friends were there for me of course... But I've never felt more like an adult than I did going through that ..... You can't just up & disappear or abandon responsibility.... as much as you want to. No personal days. Just.... grin & bear it. I guess.

My Favourite ABG Episode: 11

2012-01-13T21:54:00.000-05:00

I can't get enough of this episode. And ironically, it suits my mood this week to a tee. (FYI: I looked up the 7 Stages of Grief ~ Break-Up Edition * & apparently the rageI'm feeling is perfectly normal. GREAT. I'll squeeze in as many workouts possible.)

Ooo. I'm searching for the ratchet (yes, ratchet.... sp?) song playing while Jay is drunk *delayed spoiler alert*......(@8:58 & onwards).... As misogynistic as the lyrics are the beat is stuck in my head...... Anyway.... Enjoy the episode ( & the series!)

* I only read the headings.... I wasn't trying to read all that text. Sorry. *shrugs*

solace in a hopeless place 2

2012-01-12T10:57:00.000-05:00

Here's the quotation in context:

On Joy & Sorrow

Then a woman said, "Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow."

And he answered:

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

Source

blog update

2012-01-12T10:31:00.001-05:00

Yes, I moved the blog back over here.... For now. I like wordpress, but I need to figure out how to do all that tech savvy stuff (re: for my site.... coming sometime in 2012). I make no promises this year to blog every day, every month or at all. Whatever occurs, happens naturally. I think that's best anyway.

solace in a hopeless place

2012-01-12T10:27:00.000-05:00

My friend just shared this with me:

" When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. " - Kahlil Gibran

I have a lot to learn.

Live & Learn.... & Trying to Forget

2012-01-12T09:49:00.000-05:00

How do you move forward? Yes, you've ended that relationship/friendship, cut ties, but how do you really move on? Time heals all wounds, I can attest to that. And it's so hard to move forward with unresolved issues, or when holding on to what could have been.

It's been 3 days & I know I need to let go. And in a way I have. But my heart is still there. It's stuck. That's what happens when you open yourself up to someone else. When you let your guard down & allow them to successfully surmount the walls around your heart.

You're not supposed to have regrets. Or dwell on the past. Or any of that stuff. I've learned to glean lessons from every situation & keep it moving. I just didn't know that I'd be in this predicament ever again.

So I'm asking myself, how can I forget? There is nothing more that I want in this world right now than to forget everything that happened. Pretend like it didn't happen. How can I speed up the process... & reach the point where I can look back & feel nothing? To where I need clues to figure out what/who someone is referring to?

I never thought I'd be here again.

failure

2012-01-11T22:17:00.000-05:00

There's nothing worse than failure in my eyes.

Not so much others failing you. But you failing yourself.

It's the lowest feeling in the world. Especially knowing that others have such high expectations for all the potential & talent you carry.

Failure, for me, is painful. I'm ashamed, angry, frustrated & feel hopeless.

And then I get back up & try again. With a little less pep, a little less hope, but willing to try again nonetheless.

And then sometimes you need to walk away.

When though?

donde eres?

2012-01-11T22:09:00.000-05:00

Arrived at the conclusion this past week... and after my experiences (& success) last year, that writing might not be it for me. At all. I'm still exploring if it's the scribbling that drives me up the wall, or the type of work I study: journalism.

For me, writing is all I know. And it doesn't help when you feel like you can't do anything else. I want the adage 'love what you do & never work a day in your life' to apply to me. The journey isn't supposed to be easy. But I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to abhor it either.

So, what to do?

I created my vision board in the space of 3 (okay maybe 5) hours on January 2nd. It has everything I want for my life at this point on it: health, financial freedom & my goals. When I was done snatching pictures, feel-good phrases & poignant words, I realized none of it had to do with my current career path.

Not one picture of myself in the field, or any mentions of career goals. Realizing that scared me so much. I was the little girl who had her life planned out: school for x years, travel for x years, career/success by x age & producing a healthy set of twins by x time.

Life happened.

Now I'm the young woman who's forced herself onto a path that I'm unsure about. Ironically, its the most sure I've been about anything thus far. After thinking about it....

There's no doubt that I have a talent. But I have many. And it doesn't mean this is it for me. There's more out there. I just to find, own & embrace it.

So I guess, that's what this year will be all about. I'll finish my program & look into how I can use what I have to embark on discovering & defining my dreams.

Mid-20s crisis much??!

closed

2012-01-11T21:36:00.000-05:00

I'm thankful for 2011's lessons. I've grown. Learned how to love again. Perhaps the most worthy lesson of all. As one chapter closes in my life another begins.

Here's to the future.

get up again

2011-11-16T19:06:00.000-05:00

happy new day.

im exhausted beyond belief but have much to do. so. it needs to get done. most tonight, more tomorrow am.

im realllly frustrated about my job search...it's been over a year & nothing has come up. i've changed methods, resumes, application times & etc. but no positive feedback. and it's really hard to stay positive when i notice others (less qualified, let's be honest) bouncing around from one ideal job to another with ease.

november 30, 2011 i'm starting a new job.

i'm putting it out there. i believe it & am working towards achieving it.

ps: there are so many things that im going to achieve before the end of this year. i will not be defeated.

silentRAGE....

2011-11-01T19:20:00.000-04:00

silentRAGE.

Beautiful

2011-10-16T17:59:00.000-04:00

I came across this image on tumblr & fell in love. Everything about this woman is gorgeous. & I'm in love with the black lipstick & the make-up (African design? I shall find out). I'm now on the hunt for a black lipstick (ooo. Or a deep plum purple). I have to try out the make-up for Carnival too. Its simple but beautiful.

& Look at her skin!!! So beautiful.

Moving on.....

2011-10-16T11:29:00.000-04:00

I've moved this blog over to wordpress =) so go 'head & check me out here.

www.fabienalexis.wordpress.com

L'Aléatoire

2011-10-16T07:20:00.000-04:00

Good morning!
Today I do my vision board & hope my interviewees contact me *crosses fingers*. This blog will be about nada in particular, so that's your clue if you're looking for continuity/clarity/a theme.

I'm trying out this wordpress for bb app, & I kinda like it (yes, I'm late). So I blog anywhere now! Fewer excuses for me.

This week is going to be so hectic: between bootcamp, work, interviews, research & writing. At some point I should insert sweat-free fun, no?

Socacize is fun, but, maybe a night out or something. We'll see.

Yesterday was all about cleaning/organizing & limin with L. We actually talked about more than the norm & didnt fight. At all. I'm impressed.

Because I fell asleep in the middle of cleaning it continues today.... As soon as I'm done stretching.

Agenda?
Clean/Scrub, organize drawers, interviews, cook, write, exercise, read a chapter of 'Digging Deeper'. Oh. & wash my hair (-_-). *

I'm actually starting to think that washing weekly is a bit much for my hair.... A lie. My hair is thick & im feelin lazy. I always "feel lazy" when it comes to the wash. And then once I get into it I'm so happy doing it, tired arms and all....

What I do need to remember is to visit Fabricland this week to look at material costs. I want to make satin pillow cases & a lot of scarves/wraps for the upcoming winter season (winter=dry locs=crunchy hair=no bueno). note to self remember: ^all that ^.

Alright, time to read. I could go on forever about anything. Better I blog than chat/tweet someone's ear off.

*a facial would be nice. I'll do that on my 1hr break

** Need to revise my french so I'll be ready in January! «« Added to checklist

*** I must remember to include photos with each blog post

**** I did say I needed some spice in my life, right? Its in the universe, let's see what happens this week.

So much to do, so little time!

website coming for 2012 !

2011-10-10T22:21:00.000-04:00

Website work is underway thanks to a great friend and an overwhelming feeling that my domain name would be bought out (by all other people with my name. Paranoid much?)

I need to look into a site building class because online tutorials arent enough for me when it comes to computers/graphics. It'll also give me time to figure out how I want the page to look: colour scheme, images, portfolio work, features...

oy.

change to come?

2011-10-08T03:21:00.000-04:00

[caption id="attachment_88" align="aligncenter" width="150" caption="all black everything"][/caption]

Soooo. I've been toying with the idea of colouring my hair for a while now. A few really purple locs would be really pretty. Just like Me-Anie's BUT I a) refuse to bleach my hair (I'm terrified they'll die) & b) I'm terrified they'll die. Point blank period.

Yes, I'm a dye-virgin.

But my hair needs change. Between my semi-freeforming and tentative experimentation with various styles I need to add a little spice to my life. I thought that might be a new piercing. It usually is. But my nose is the only thing I really want done and I'm still 50/50 on that one (it'd be a hoop, never a stud).

If I do colour my hair (not all of it, just some), red is not an option simply because of how much it bleeds = more maintenance, retouching & etc. I'm into low maintenance: weekly washes, deep conditioning, get-up-and-go are all right up my alley.

I like the idea of natural highlights, but I've never been a fan of browns on me. And that's so ordinary. ugh.

I'm really leaning towards a few randomly selected purple locs. Or lightening my whole head naturally (honey, cinnamon...). It's basically winter here (I'm exaggerating, but its October in Toronto --my hair is going into hiberation soon). So lemon wouldn't work for me.

I'm actually going through a few YT videos looking for ideas & recommended dyes. Last year this time, I was looking into henna treatments. I chickened out last minute because I was too afraid of the possibility of my leaving with a new hair colour (even though it takes multiple sessions for jet black hair to be tinted). I know. Lame.

Maybe I'll just hit up Kensington tomorrow & pick up some loc jewelry. Hmmm.

'11 to date..

2011-10-08T02:46:00.000-04:00

Although this has been the worst year of my life - between work, school, money, personal, everything - today I realized that I shouldn't completely write-off 2011 (as much as I would love to). Yes, everything happens for a reason. And maybe some of those things I will never understand. But, there has been some good, namely second chances & growth.

Who knew that I'd gain a closer bond with a sibling, or be writing for SwayMag, or find the courage to quit my horrible job?? 2011 has been a year of the unexpected. I failed, fell. Allowed foolishness, physical hardship & emotional distress/depression to take over my life. There were too many days where I didn't want to see the sun, breathe fresh air or even breathe at all.

But I'm still here.

Maybe I have a purpose. Others seem to think so. Many have so much faith in me. Its really overwhelming. I try to remember my family and ancestors in everything I try to accomplish. The opportunity I have. The second chances I've received.... Its amazing. I'm blessed.

And my being able to see the positive in my life at this point is proof of how much I've changed in the last year. I've become a better person. A more mature woman. Or rather, I've made that transition from "girl" to "woman". Now if only my wardrobe could catch up! lol

eye on the prize

2011-10-08T02:30:00.000-04:00

I've been writing. And although the processs was zero fun for me, I like the end result (being published). Soooo. My goal for this month is to look into what else I can do aside from Journalism. I do love editing and languages. Maybe I can work that in there too. But for now, addressing other avenues for my future career is the plan.

Decided to go back to school. I need to finish what I started, whether I like it or not. And I also realized, there is so much more for me to learn & improve on. My excuse to not return was the opportunity to make more $$$ & to pay off debt. Yeah. I'm definitely working, but its not enough. So back in the trenches I go. Part time this year, full time next year, free the year after.

Career To Do list:

- Head shots (May 2012)
- Business Cards (November)
- Camera (January 2012)

***

#TroyDavis

2011-09-21T18:50:00.000-04:00

I'm so angry/frustrated/sad/fed up! We are tearing each other down over tweets (re: Fabolous/RayJ) so focused on the here & now. The immateriality(sp) of it all. & an innocent man is dying tomorrow. There was no 'fair' trial. Locked up as soon he reached his early 20s. What life? Twenty years later, he's been denied a stay of execution. Davis will die tomorrow.

How does it feel, when you know you will cease to exist in less than 24 hours??! That your fate is in the hands of those who really don't care? To sit in jail for a murder you did not commit??

Ask Mumia. December 2011 marks his 30th year incarcerated for crimes he did not commit (proven).

Everyday I take my freedom for granted. I realize & understand this.

Everyday I watch young Black boys/men & fear for them. I want to protect them all. Save them all. Shield them from the system. Rescue them. But that feeling of hopelessness. To be helpless is the ugliest sentiment. It's useless. You can fight it, but if you lose, the feeling multiplies/compounds.
That's how I feel. & it's infuriating.

** written Sept. 20, 2011, 10AM **

UPDATE: The Supreme Court has denied clemency for Davis. His murder by lethal injection commences at 7 p.m. (8 minutes from now)

UPDATE: The Supreme Court actually denied the stay of execution around 10:30p.m. that evening. Word is Davis had been strapped to a stretcher & sedated while awaiting word about when/if he would be executed. Torture. The execution began at 10:52 p.m. and he was pronounced dead at 11:08 p.m.

Journalists gathered around those who witnessed the murder, and asked repetitive questions. I heard giggles from the small gathering. VERY insensitive, unprofessional, an DISGUSTING. I was enraged. I still am.

Davis' funeral and burial were on October 1, 2011. The theme was blue and white (casket, flowers & etc.). There were supporters in "I am TROY DAVIS" tees (blue & white) who attended the ceremony.

try again.

2011-08-28T11:28:00.000-04:00

Woke up this morning & discovered I was recovering from my funk. Amazing.

I haven't been able to write anything since... July? June? The interest just wasnt there despite how hard I tried. The words weren't coming.

Fine.

'Career Path' for $200, Alex............."What is Dancehall Queen?"

Jackpot. Writing is the only thing I've ever seen myself doing professionally. And I dont know where this funk is coming from... Something is telling me it will be back, but I'm going to try and fight it. With a post everyday (ambitious much? I know).

So. Welcome to WordPress. I moved things over here because I like the look... Blogspot was a little complicated for me (re: following blogs & etc.)

A baby step in the right direction. I think once I get back into the groove of things I'll be ready to head back to school to finish that postgrad... 2012 has to be a better year. 2011 started with a bang and by February, I'd realized there was a gunshot wound in my back. Go figure.

Things are what you make it and I have made some progress over the past 8 months, 28 days, but I'm not where I need or want to be in my life at 23. Some say I put too much pressure on myself, but I dont put enough. Gotta work on it.

2011 success:

- I quit my horrid job!
- Wrote my first article as a freelance writer (woot)
- I bought & wore a dress
- I've made my peace with fitness
- 3 credit cards paid off

2011 failures:
- Two wonderful opportunities f*cked courtesy of me
- Savings spent
- School hiatus
- Men (might need another blog for that because that scene is just hectic)

2011 goals (updated):
- Strength, patience, discipline (physical, emotional, spiritual)
- Socacize Instructor training
-Grab my license
- Clear another credit card
- Regain focus
- Seek help

Am I winning yet?

loc'd blogger meet-up !

2010-12-03T00:42:00.000-05:00

i met Ms Nubian Soul Locks recently (well, if October is recent) at bootcamp !!! I was so excited. She's very down-to-earth & straight-forward in person. Very friendly. And definitely a locspiration for me.

A friend told me about the blog when i first started my loc journey & had a million and ten questions (you know, where you ask about EVERY detail because you want each loc to be perfect...only to discover that the more you interfere &/or mind them, the more likely they wont be "perfect" & your overscrutinization/stressing/constant worrying will not only (possibly) ruin them but will also taint the day-to-day experience. live & learn).

Visit her blog for info about her loc journey-- you'll find her trial & error with methods & products informative & encouraging. I like the blog a lot because it is not oversaturated with filler (i.e. the parabens you may find in conditioners, shampoos, lotions & etc.).

She posts when she has something to say. And it's always straight to the point.

Quality over quanity dat mi seh!

...i wasnt done talking...

2010-12-03T00:27:00.001-05:00

other updates?

i love my life.
it's always a struggle (time, money, learning, growing) but it's mine to live.
i'm meeting & getting to know so many wonderful people (blog post towards the end of december on that) young & young at heart.
they make my heart smile.
certain acquaintances have removed themselves from my life.

*blessing

& i'm strengthening bonds with real friends.

*i'm so loved

i've accomplished most of my 2010 to do list. there is still one or two major projects underway for completion. & unless i write 360+ posts in the next 28 days, my "blog everyday" challenge is a bust.

*not worried.

my 2011 to do list has already partially composed itself:
- buy my car (finally)
- clear remainder of debt (i didnt do too bad this yr: there's always room for improvement)
- move on & up *personal goal*
- teach self how to knit/crochet
- learn how to drive standard (goal in progress already)
- start kickboxing again
- become certified by CanFitPro

stay focused & achieve.

updates

2010-12-03T00:14:00.000-05:00

the last post wasn't reall a post. imagine that.
school has me running all over the city.
& i love it.
it's hard work, but it's to be expected if i plan to achieve my career goals.
what's new with me?
15 days, 2 exams and 5 major assignments away from completing my first semester !!!!
i am very excited about this. i was so terrified when the semester started....
* dont ever doubt yourself ---> it's a waste of time, like stress *

loc update: they're growing! & they're getting soo thick! je les aime! (oui, je suis practiquer ma francais en classe). but with my fluctuating water intake (it's always a battle) & winter (c'est arrive) they are drying out ... & it scares me.

so, i've been looking for chemical-free leave-ins/mists, conditioners... and i've come up with nothing. most, if not all of the products have some paraben, sulfate or filler. i've been looking since october... & it's december now. not a good look.

my only alternative is to create my own BUT the last time i did that my hair felt so greasy & gross... trial & error i suppose. if anyone has suggestions for natural conditioners, leave-ins, mists or homemade recipes for the aforementioned, *** for LOCS *** please share ...the best information usually comes by word of mouth.

another update: i will be doing my FIRST ever henna deep conditioning treatment courtesy of iHeartMyHair.com. Anya's post on the benefits of this 100% natural conditioning treatment motivated me into trying it.... despite the fact that my hair wont be jet black any more (i'm opposed to dying my hair. ever.). our two-month conversation via facebook, her website and then e-mails + my own research led me to believe that this is a great option for me & my hair at this point. so i'm taking the plunge in exactly 2 weeks! i'm very excited and nervous. but i'll definitely post the before & afters up here.

what else???

back on it!!

2010-10-05T15:23:00.002-04:00

check it out!! im so excited to see something out there again =)

http://swaymag.ca/2010/10/speak-on-it-scotia-welcome/

locversary!! ♥

2010-08-16T06:10:00.000-04:00

<><>

Day 0||2009

Its been one year & my locs filled out nicely!! I'm so happy that I've kept my second set & although they aren't "perfect", I've grown to love each and every one of them just the way they are: bumpy, lumpy, kinda thick, short, long, in between & blackBLACKblack.

** i love them **

There's nothing I would change about my journey to date-- I've learned soo much. What my hair likes, dislikes & abhors. Learning how & when to retwist my roots, being introduced into the wonderful loc community on YouTube & Facebook has been an incredible experiences. Blogs, vlogs & more blogs gave me insight into various products.

My favourite site for support, especially when I was feeling weak was & is On the Road to Queendom with Writing Addict aka Toshia Shaw. The blog is a site of strength for sistas growing locs, learning about locs& a great forum for sharing stories & info about locs. Very inspirational, realistic & comforting.

Day 365||2010

My YouTube channel addictions include BronzeGoddess01 & Chescalocs --- they're unlimited creativity usually runs into two or three different styles per video. All salon-free!

The greatest lessons to date I've learned over the past 365 days are: patience & confidence. Being natural few years prior to starting my locs, I was no longer self-conscious about how others would & do perceive my hair. Its so ridiculous to worry about what others think -- as long as you are confident & comfortable in who you are, what you are doing & how you look, why bother with anyone else?? I've gone through the so-called "ugly-phase" (let's call it the learning curve) where some of the locs start to fill out, but other arent, while some resemble mini anacondas after a large meal...I've learned to deal with all of that. I've learned that my hair wont look exactly like i.e. Fay-Ann Lyons' or Goapele's. They will look like my own. And I can embrace this now. With lots of TLC they will grow healthy & strong -- what more could I want??

Patience. There were days when I felt like yanking each loc in the hopes of speeding up the growth process. Other days i just wanted to hide my head---nothing I seemed to do would work. But I got through it & I will get through it again. The waiting game is a little easier now with some length, strength & flexibility... And now I'm styling too =)! Very exciting.

I'm definitely looking forward to what the next 365 days have in store for me & my locs.

PS: Yes, it is "just hair", but in its natural state it is an extension of the expression of myself & therefore deserves to be celebrated as an evolving part of my being ♥.

Agua, L'eau, WATA!

2010-08-16T04:57:00.001-04:00

If I manage to tackle even one of my personal mountains of fear in 2010 I'll be elated. Water. Dreaded enemy, yet great for my skin, hair & insides. 0 calories, no sugar (that's a con) & its refreshing *side eye*.. And yet. Its gross. Its unappealing. Add a little lime & I could drink it by the gallon (its also a great cleanse, but the acidity is bad for tooth enamel).

Mind over matter.

In June, a friend informed me of a personal challenge he was trying -- he the only liquid he could consume for the month was water. Not only did his energy levels improve, but he dropped 25 pounds (3 months later) by simply cutting out juices, sodas & milk.

I was impressed, and it seemed like the ideal challenge for me--- two birds with one stone: weight loss & increased water consumption. But boyyyy its proving to be a challenge. I started out with 2 bottles a day ( 1.5 Litres) which is only one third of the minimum of the my daily consumption levels. It became easier to stomach the water, but the frequent washroom visits at work weren't cute. However, I've fallen off that horse since then (especially post-Caribana)....But I noticed a change as well. I actually crave water!

Stranger things have happened.

So my goal by the end of August is to get my 2.2 Litres in everyday.

How do you get your daily intake? Crystal Light, a slice of lime, pinching your nose? What does the trick for you: all at once or Or do you truly enjoy water? Are you getting enough? Here is a calculator & list of water's benefits .

winWINwin

2010-07-01T14:10:00.000-04:00

another goal achieved! je suis tres heureuse =D!! with every accomplishment comes another challenge. I'm prepared & ready to fight-- because i was born to winWINwin. there are so many changes occuring in my life right now... & to even attempt to focus on everything all at once is overwhelming, mind-bending, crazy. So one at a time, yes?

--my hair (locs) can catch in one(comfortably)! so proud! Two weeks away from the 11 month mark, i had to suck my pride up last week and go have my hair retwisted professionally. I have no regrets though, my roots look lovely --- i detest the dryer though (two thumbs down). August 14 marks one year, how to celebrate??? Gotta make it there first... on to the next...

--the 5week excursion to Nouvelle-Ecosse was a test of character, patience, strength & sheer will-power. Bwoy, racism really throws me every time i encounter it... For example, me & my girl were grocery shopping (in a predominantly caucasian area) & we turned the corner, laughing and speaking French -- why did this caucasian female literally JUMP BACK ?!?!LMAO. I was dyingggg... Clearly she was scared, i'm sure as to why, but we went about our business, after my friend physically restrained me from running back & screaminfg "ooga booga" at her. It was so tempting. Immature, but alluring nonetheless. But I'm amazed that someone could react that way to someone because of their skin tone. Hmm. I'm definitely blessed to be living in Toronto & I definitely appreciate it more, now I'm back. But wooyy. The grocery store incident was nothing. Because of my BLACK SKIN (i'm lovvvvinnn it!) people were surprised if & when I responded to their questions in (sometimes) perfect french. Ha-- one female at my residence had the NERVE to ask (aloud) -- what EXOTIC countries speak French?? Why??-- IGNORANCE AT ITS BEST, YES? I got up and walked out of the room, because of her audacity -- what's more shocking --- that she was genuinely asking the question or that she that it was okay to utter those words in that order?? Let's disect that sentence, shall we?

'Exotic'-- dictionary.com defines the term as "foreign" or "strikingly unusual". Hmph. What is an exotic country? Her usage of the term implicated "tropical" countries aka warmer countries aka countries outside of North America & Europe. Okay. Moving on.

Her tone implied her shock & confusion: why does my animateur (residence advisor) speak perfect French... he's so Black...<<< I think that's what set me off. She directed her question at the only Black male (1/3 total on the campus) present. Really? Transliteraton: Why do you Africans speak French? How does that work?? HMPH. My animateur stood there looking at her for a hot minute -- the silence in room (with the exception of me crushing styrofoam between my clenched fist),and he responded. Martinique, Haiti, Guadeloupe, Senegal , Seychelles, Cote d'Ivoire. He did not respond to her underlying question, confusion.

I refuse to believe that at the age of 22 you do not know about world history & colonization-- ignornance is never cute. Willfull ignorance deserves no response whatsoever. I quietly got up & left the room. ohhhh---Nouvelle-Ecosse!

There are numerous negative & racist encounters I could describe, but it'd be a waste to focus on the negative, yes? I fought through it with the support of my girls on campus & we made. Got me an A- in that course & walked out with my head held HIGH. Qui est-tu? Exactement! on to the next....

My eagerness to be in Toronto after my little trip East was paramount. And then the G20 happened. And in my heart of hearts I'm hurting because of the violence caused by Canadian police (bullies-in-uniform) --- dont ever forget that it Canadian police forces converged on Toronto to take advantage of the situation. Yes, security measures were needed (obviously) for the world leaders, we do have crazies out there. Fine. But 5000+ cops downtown in FULL RIOT gear???!? That shit was planned from the jump & the abuse of power that took place last weekend (ha) is the norm for these monsters (Jr. Manon). Bully brutality takes place everyday on our streets & no one pays attention to the cries from the many, the disenfranchised. Its taken this monumental tragedy to alert the public who do not live in "rough neighbourhoods" (reference to an ignornant comment made by a female who shall remain nameless) to see that these monsters constantly abuse their "powers". What are we doing about it? Can we do anything about this? Are these realistic or rhetorical questions? I do not have the answer. On July 3, 2010 there will be ANOTHER peaceful protest. The only thing holding me back is my mother's face if I came back with a busted face. Couldn't do that to her --is this my excuse not to fight for what's right? Perhaps. I don't know. Cant lie someone coming at me with a gun, baton & bad mind would freaks me (and any other human) out. War bruises are worth it if the cause is one. There will always be casualties. The question is are we ready? Am i ready? Do i want to risk molestation and rape, to *hopefully* fix issues? While I believe in change, I also do not believe that the bullies will be let go & replaced. The government does not care enough (at all) to do something like that. But, a change, something small even, is welcomed. I welcome it. When the police are held accountable for their actions-ha!- not only by the public, but by the government, that'll be the day.

PS: i'm proud to say that i was born into a community that is a mixing pot & not a melting pot. happy Canada day.

-FIN-

2010 update

2010-04-26T22:03:00.001-04:00

yes, yes its been so long.
but what was there to write about?? let's see:

February 2010: GREAT! found my second job & was hittin the gym (semi-hard). Writing opportunities mushroomed everywhere I turned, and then there was CARNIVAL (amazing).

March 2010: Fell off the proverbial horse. No gym. Severe writer's block (meaning the loss of great opportunities) & the onset of mental weakness (quit job #2). Not good atall atall. On the flip side I sent in my Carnival 2010, ('09 too) photos to model....LOL. Wasn't selected this year, but there's always next year. And the one after that too. Missing JA carnival broke my heart. It really did--so I put in double time to forget all bout it. Didn't work.

April 2010: Dream deferred is back on track =). School (ugh) starts in Septemeber, so its full steam ahead (literally). Between now & then the finances & a few other goals will be checked off. Yay. OHH OHH. Paid off TWO credit cards three weeks before the personal deadline. YES! Lookin forward to what May has to offer... Hopefully some inspiration for this blog... Its rellllll dry right now.....

* * *

Have you kept up with your 2010 goals, are you struggling (like me)? My advice, take it all one second at a time, one minute, hour and then each day at a time. Sometimes the big picture can be incredibly overwhelming. Keep dangling that carrot at the end of the tunnel of struggle. You can achieve if you believe. I know I will. =)

2010's Goals

2010-01-19T14:56:00.002-05:00

I've made many resolutions for this year: it felt to accomplish a few of the ones I set out last year so why not try it again? A major part of my resolution is to do it myself. I'm not one of those girls that can do her eyebrows, make-up & hair like its nothing. I struggle. Seriously, lol. Soo. Working out my monthly budget, I discovered (well not really) that I spend a ton on things that could be done at home. Plus, why depend on someone else (a major pet peeve) when you can do it yourself, right? So, I'll post my progress roughly every 2 weeks. The first 2 weeks of 2010 have been great goal wise, but I'm already starting to slack (gym-life is HARD). Sharing my goals should help me stay on track & force me to be accountable, right? Right. My goals were inspired by me (duh) but the public announcement inspiration came from none-other than Those Girls' "Journey To".... Surprised? You shouldn't be.

Now: here's a list of goals/things I need to accomplish in 2010:

- Do It Myself (aka the DIM Imperative): Hair! My locs are growing a little faster than I expected... & as much as I love the spa-like feeling of getting my hair done, there are 10 idle fingers that could be washing & retwisting my own strands. Hmph.

- 200 posts on my blog =): that means actively searching for new & interesting things to post. I'd like to take pride in this blog at some point. The layout is also a hot mess.. I haven't done the html thing since myblackplanet& Tdot Wire days.... Definitely need a refresher course on what's been happening since the advent of facebook.com removed the need to make everything purple *teehee: i wont do that here*.

- {Personal}To be more open: not a loud mouth spewing my business everywhere, but more perceptive, not necessarily trusting..oo oo. Singing lessons.... Gotta do that too.

- Career movement: Gotta get my name out there! (Un)paid internships, blog entries, freelancing for magazines/newspapers/online publications is a great way to start...Now to find the publications that will grant the opportunity to an(in)experienced... Hmm. Oh (next point)!!

- Networking: It is essential to my growth as a journalist -- being semi-antisocial doesnt really work. Eee. Keys to success in this area: suck it up, smile & say hi. Establish a portfolio/ready source of work to support myself as a writer. A simple business card can go a long way too....Establish & maintain contacts. That works.

- Lose the extra 12-15 pounds: returning from JA meant returning to overly processed foods... While I stay away from sodas & fast foods, there are still too many preservatives in the food I consume.... *Healthy ways to achieve this goal: going Vegan? Make my food?
----> I'm already doing Socacize classes (intense!) to tone.
----> Joined an affordable gym, decked out with "free" personal trainers, a great range of hours, 2 pools & an indoor track. Now all I have to do is go.
----> Exercising regularily will help me achieve the goal of modelling for Caribana (yes, I'm doin it up for 2010!)... I'll definitely post those photos =D.

- Debt-Free Me: debt's not cute. Acquiring a full-time position, accounting for every penny I spend will help tremendously AND saving from each pay cheque will do the trick.

C'est What?: I will (re-)learn French & be functionally bilingual by Dec 31, 2010. Armed with my *new* French-English dictionary, I'm currently searching for an affordable class before entering a 5-week French immersion program later this year...

Soo... I'm off to a great start. And things can only get better - I'm the ONLY thing standing in the way. *cheesing real hard right now,lol*. Yay. Gotta get ready to Socacize .

Bye bye!

PS: This blog is under continued construction until I find/create a layout that feels... just right.

why Haiti?

2010-01-14T15:57:00.001-05:00

I discovered Haiti's massive earthquake while running on a 7.0 incline @ 5.0 speed on the treadmill. I almost broke my ankle as the news sank in: another burden for the Haitian population to bear. Suddenly, shedding 20 pounds to fit into a bikini bottom for carnival just wasnt that important anymore.... My initial thoughts were: why Haiti? I just couldn't understand it, nor could I bear to imagine the pain of this resilient population pummelled with centuries of tragedy, occupation, slavery, societal conflict, disasters and dictators.

As I continued to watch CNN *UGH* (couldn't change stations) the realization that this is another opportunity for foreign nations to enter Haiti while she was yet more vulnerable crept into my mind, chilling my soul. Some of things that upset me about this catastrophe included the portrayals of Haiti on television, the language used to describe the impoverished-due-to-exploitation country.

Who can sit in front of the television watching the "live coverage" of the deceased? WHY WOULD WE WANT TO SEE THE DEAD?? We understand that thousands have lost their lives. We understand this. Grotesque images of crushed babies and the frail elderly mauled by pounds of cement are not the images we need to see. Why is the media focusing on the desolation? Is it not enough that the little infrastructure Haiti had has been desecrated? Isnt it enough to know that thousands have lost their live on one side of Hispaniola, while the Domincan Republic remains virtually intact?? The deceased that make make up the thousands are all individuals, brothers, mothers, daughters, friends, husbands, lovers, with names, (his)stories & dignity. I refuse to watch as the media vultures swoop in to gain higher ratings than sister networks - its disgusting.

I decided to put some of my thoughts out there for fb as follows: soo.. Haiti's BEEN strugglin with natural disasters and the ongoing neocolonial American occupation from time.. one more natural disaster & suddenly you care ?? Seriously people? Consistency works. Try it.
-- An individual who understood my point, articulated that its better for people to start somewhere. While I agree wholeheartedly, I'd like to state that the same individuals who have changed their statuses to "praying for Haiti" or "send money via X for Haiti" don't fool me. In two weeks, they'll move on to whatever else is going on. While its touching to see the outpour of support (better something than nothing) I question the motives behind the support. Haiti has ALWAYS needed our support & our prayers.

I've seen what should be the pride of the Caribbean being treated as the pariah of Caribbean due to its religion, its poverty. Everyone focuses on the "voodoo", the hardships faced, the poverty. No one is willing to help unless a hurricane blows through, unless things dramatically worsen. Why? Haiti paved the way for other Caribbean islands at a time when there were NO INDEPENDENT Caribbean nations to speak of. While most African nations regained their independence in the 1960s onwards, Haiti had been independent over 150 years. Food for thought. They fought off their French "masters" successfully, but later fell to the colonial mindset of the house slave vs. the field hand. As with other Caribbean nations, Haiti dealt with struggles with pride of African vs. European heritage, attempts to regain their hold on a cash crop within the Atlantic trade despite boycotts from other nations deeming them "savage"; Haiti's as a sovereign nation has been a difficult one from the beginning. And still they rise: despite everything.

- I pray when the infrastructure improves, that the occupation will stop.
- I pray the interference aka "interventionist" tactics will cease & desist - Haiti is capable of ruling itself without the "aid" of the US.
- I pray to hear from V.F. & family.
- I pray that those who care now, will care later when Haiti still needs support.

My sincerest prayers go out to Hatians now, as they do everyday.

2010

2010-01-14T10:44:00.001-05:00

Happy 2010! Very late, yes, but im wishing it all the same.. Its day fourteen of the new year... have you kept up with your resolutions? Here's some food for thought on the idea of a resolution: while its nice to say you'd like to accomplish X, you need to plan it out to the last detail. Not to the point where if you miss a checkpoint you have a complete meltdown, but for room to grow as a person while accomplishing your REALISTIC goal.Soo... December 31, 2009, you wrote down EVERYTHING you're going to accomplish for 2010. Great. Did you make a timeline? How will you execute this plan? Do you have a support system in place? What have you done up to this point to facilitate this goal? Remember it takes 21 days to create a habit, 21 days to break one. If you havent been going to the gym & all of a sudden try to run 2k on a treadmill, it wont work. We need to walk before we can run.. That being said, i've made a BUNCH of resolutions (meaning goals to accomplish &/or habits to break for 2010) but I started earlier on.. In November to be precise. And the first week of 2010 has been a success! Things can only improve as I continue to build those habits & work on booting the useless ones.

If you've made a resolution but have given up on it since January 4th, dont wait until December 31, 2010 to set a new plan in action. Start NOW. The hardest part of any journey is taking the first step. The only thing in the way of yourself is YOU. I've experienced this first hand & it persists in the lives of many.

"fb status 12/30/09: rather than hold on to a broken dream, I'll just hold on to love {NOW}>> forget 2010"-- the advent of 2009 spurred many facebook statuses to read "2009 is my year to shine", "2k9 is mine" & etc. What happenned to 2008? What will make '09 different if you continue in the same path as you were before midnight??

Be thankful for each day that you have, because at the end of the day what is 2010, but the start of another day, another opportunity to make a meaningful change in your life? Don't wait until tomorrow, start today and work towards checking off your accomplishments on December 31, 2010 instead of relisting the same ones for 2011.

Happy 2010!

just a thought

2010-01-14T10:16:00.001-05:00

*from Jan 12, 2010*

Mmmm... That smells so goood! If only I could get just.. one... fry. Mind you, I'm jus comin outta the gym prep.. All the sweat an pain in exchange for a few fries?? Temptation at its best. Looking up to find the source of the greasy scent, I see a young man, with not so fabulous skin chomping down on small handfuls of fried potato at a time. Not so appetizing anymore. And then he gets up- its his stop. Lo & behold the oxymoron of the day: a small gym bag. Hmmmmmmm. Hands slippery with grease and possibly ketchup, he swings the blue duffel around to his left hip and steps off the bus. Wendy's lingers, but my appetite is long gone.

my gift to you

2009-12-21T12:46:00.001-05:00

been so looooooong, since, you've been gooone (8). (Mystikal, remember him??)

Almost one month! Time flies quickly... there's so much to write, so much to say... But life is still pretty hectic... So ima leave you with this stuff i've come across since last logging on:

* Vigilant Citizen

*http://www.youtube.com/user/TheForerunner777the ForeRunner

Check it out & take it with a grain of salt.... and do your OWN research.... I have & its.. a lot to take in all at once. The music industry, corporations & etc. are corrupt(ed), that's a given... But when you take an indepth look at what's going on & WHO is participating (a shocking revelation for me)...its creepy. And very sad, that the masses ignorantly participate & partake in it all. Ignorance isn't bliss - its suicide. Remember that.

Sooo, here's a piece of knowledge I've come across & I'm passing it along to you. What you choose to do with it is all up to you. But at least you'll know, right?

Street Bullies Medley

2009-11-17T08:37:00.001-05:00

Been feelin' this for a while now... Director Jay Will aka Game Over recently came out with the Street Bullies Medley music video featuring Ce'cile, Chris Martin, Red Foxx, Vybz Kartel and Shaggy. My favourite part of the video ... Foxx's section "Bounce"... it just makes me move... Enjoy.

Nah Stress

2009-11-17T08:27:00.001-05:00

Someone told me the other day to never feel like im not worthy of being loved... Shoot, i may've had my share of bad apples but that never EVER crossed my mind. I know my worth, recognize my faults & am familiar with my achievements. Are you? For the ladies feelin down for whatever reason, this song is for you.... Doh stress! It wont change a thing, aside from affecting you physically & mentally.
Ce'cile says it best on the Street Bullies riddim, and so I share her words with you.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=00_8O55Uv6k&hl=en_US&fs=1&color1=0x402061&color2=0x9461ca&border=1]

Sapphire's Push

2009-11-08T06:17:00.001-05:00

It arrived on Friday... and I was surprised something so celebrated could be under two hundred pages... I can definitely appreciate "don't judge a book by its cover" a little more now...

Push by Sapphire is powerful, passionate, raw. It was hard for me to digest some of it... but I managed to finish it yesterday....

The novel definitely made me stop short & think about all of things I take for granted... and things that do occur all the time. Sapphire put me in a position to feel completely helpless to help Precious.... She also gives you a front row seat to all of the horror and depravity Precious is subject to for sixteen years of her life....

It speaks to the strength of women.. in all situations. Although I don't believe all females would be able to live through what the novel describes, I believe the choice to survive and the will to leave it all behind is present within all of us. Precious just needed a little push. Don't we all?
Whether the novel is based on a true story, or not, its realist approach to and exploration of violence, sexuality, familial ties, and abuse, encourage provacative thought... And it will definitely foster deep conversations.

On November 22/09 What Women Want presents Literary Journey, granting an open forum for women in Toronto to get together and openly discuss the novel over dinner surrounded by friends and (possibly) like-minded individuals. It’s a little pricey for my recession/student budget but, their events are always worth the time & funds invested & the discussion at the event would definitely be of interest to anyone who's read Push. Check it out.

This week I see the movie. Let's see what's been edited out and what the producers decided to keep in.

secrets, shame, shiloh.

2009-11-08T05:34:00.000-05:00

-- she hates her. "hate" is a strong word

--she prides herself on not cryin at the funeral..

--she's lost; alienated, silent.

singalong.

Sense of Pride

2009-11-03T10:48:00.001-05:00

I just youtubed Alicia Keys' & Jay-Z's performance at game 2 for the World Series in New York... When I watched that performance.... I dont know what it was but a sense of pride just took over, making me tear up just a little. Echo & all. Its just one of those feel-good-deep-down-songs(whether you're reppin NY or not) & its a fantastic collabo between artists at the top of their game... & lol at the shocked uproar when Jigga told the crowd & Yankees alike "Catch me at the X with OG at a Yankee game / Shit, I made the Yankee hat more famous than a Yankee can" (@ 1:36-1:40).

Black pride much?? From Jackie Robinson being the first African-American to enter the MLB (1947) to African-Americans opening the game, we've been doing everything and anything from time & we will continue to rise.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BiryjGi6wZQ&hl=en_US&fs=1&color1=0xcc2550&color2=0xe87a9f&border=1]
Empire State of Mind Performance

rant

2009-10-23T01:38:00.001-04:00

Many songs irritate me to no end because of the amount of garbage spewed. Perfect example David Guetta ft. Akon "Sexy Bitch". I dont think I'd mind it so much if it were your typical ho,bitch,stripper track but the line that really irks me "im trying to find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful"... Really?? I didnt know being a "sexy bitch" (although if you listen closely, it sounds like he's saying "fish". Go figure) classified as a respectful characteristic. UGH. How about beautiful, intelligent, focused, independent: why compare her to your "neighbourhood ho"?? Honestly. hm. Sex sells. Sure. And I'll bring your attention to NE-YO, whom I applaud for his most recent work The Year of the Gentleman. Its classy, its beautiful, and he manages to include adjectives such as "independent". Imagine that.

>> lyrics courtesy of metrolyrics

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wzNR9c82XLg&hl=en_US&fs=1&border=1]

hellllooooooooo

2009-10-23T01:27:00.002-04:00

its been a while....

the future knocks an im stuck doin midterms & scramblin for hours at work. fantastic. but im lookin forward to december when its all said an done... and then what? grad school? travel? work? volunteer? everything's in the air... everything's uncertain... its like im waitin for others (grad school acceptance, abroad internships) to determine my fate...is it inescapable?

as i sit here chattin with Tee. the memory of the spine, cherry juice and ring road drift through my tired mind. why am i here? why arent i there? too many whys, too few answers.

head's still up. still smilin. still dreamin.

*you had me at hello.... it was many years ago. when you... stole my cool.... (hello, beyonce)

Follow these..

2009-09-28T17:37:00.002-04:00

mmm.. I havent quite figured out how everything works on here... But here are just a few blogs/websites I "follow" from time to time:

Those Girls Are Wild

- I've been "following" Ms. Boodram's progress from the time I was 15/16 years old... She's had various websites since then, but has managed to use her creative abilities and gifts (amazing photographer>> www.ShannonTeresa.com/photography), to progress towards accomplishing many goals in her life.. and what I would call a measure of success. To date she's published her first BOOK ( www.LAIDTHEBOOK.com) & from what I can see is just beginning to show the world what she's about.

Ebony Intuition

- Recently given the "2009 Best International Blog" by the Black Weblog, this a fascinating & detailed look at the Black diaspora; success, achievements, progress. Peep that.

Izenjero

- While studying at the University of the West Indies, I had the honour of meeting Dr. Sultana Afroz, an outspoken, vibrant and intelligent Professor who teaches many history courses on the campus. Originally from Afghanistan, she obtained her undergraduate, masters and PH. D in the United States before migrating to Jamaica where she currently resides. Dr. Afroz is known for her firey lectures and straight-forward approach to many controversial topics including the War in Iraq, the status of women within the Middle East, and inconsitencies with Islam as delivered by the Prophet Muhammad & what is commonly practiced today. I can honestly say, Dr. Afroz made me more aware of what is happening around me and within other communities that I, frankly, could not understand despite research, conversations and further reading. Her blog is a continuation of her lectures and thoughts. A wealth of information is here for all those who will read, research and understand. Definitely an eye-opener.

****

Those are all of the blogs I follow.... For now... All of these females inspire me in similar ways: they are all ambitious, courageous, and outstanding members of their communities and the online community.

. something beautiful

2009-09-24T15:30:00.000-04:00

This is the continuation of my journey to self-discovery.. self-realization. My goal has always been to write, and this blog will facilitate my dreams, my thoughts on anything & everything.. along with my progress to become a successful writer... one step at a time.

here's to step one.

i welcome your support, comments, contributions, conversation & constructive criticism on my journey.

x. fabien.alexis

Secrets of a Black Boy: I

2009-09-24T15:21:00.000-04:00

I'm not going to spoil the play for you... A detailed synopsis to come soon enough.

Ok... So I had great seats, a great vibe from the stage and the audience most times (some people are really dense)... I think. Hm. Its hard. I think you'll enjoy it: I took Secrets to be an eye-opener for the clueless females livin in this world.. A lot of very strong points about what is wrong with our community.. A lot of issues, a lot of solutions. It gets your mind goin, especially if you aren't familiar with other's struggles... I definitely enjoyed how it managed to discuss immediate issues while flavourin it with tasteful humour *lol @ Biscuit*.

The play also left me wanting more... because it represents current issues within the city and the Black community... it left me wondering if I can make a change.. if so how & where to start?? Secrets is definitely provactive.

GO SEE THE PLAY!!! SUPPORT TORONTO ARTISTS!

www.secretsofablackboy.com--> if you haven't heard of Darren Anthony's play SECRETS OF A BLACK BOY, then you're already behind.. Watch the play, take it in- REALLY take it in- and enjoy the company of the Black community around you <--

Did you see it? How did it make you feel?? I'm interested in hearing your thoughts on Darren Anthony's work.