1/22/12

in a box





"You look like a vegetarian"


What does THAT mean? I can't count the times I've been told ignorant crap about myself based on my appearance.


My hair & my diet are two separate things. The only ties linking the two are ME. That's it. It's not complicated. One thing followed another.


"I thought you were Jamaican."


NOT an insult. And yes, I'm of JA descent BUT how you arrived at the conclusion is wrong, so very wrong. So I always reply:


"I'm Guyanese."
Is that in Africa?
*blank stare*


What? Because I have dreads & I'm Black I'm automatically Jamaican? Bullsh*t. There are no typical Jamaicans, Chinese, Indian & etc. people.


No. Not all Guyanese people are of South Asian descent. No, I will not speak in patois for you. No, I'm not mixed. No, I don't say "duck curry".




We're all individuals. I've learned over the years that no one fits into one neat box. Individuals are too fluid to be firmly defined. Those who are not part of the 'norm' (whatever that is) are forced to select 'other' (census Canada & etc).


Better yet:


"You're Jamaican?? But you like soca.... And you don't seem Jamaican."
"You seem to know a lot about the Black Panther movement.... Do you hate White people?"


*mental backhand &  blank stare*


Stereotypes. Gotta love 'em.


I'd much rather someone ask a question*, than to blatantly state nonsense. There's not enough time in the day tell people about the ignorant crap they say.


Person: Why are you a vegetarian?
Me: Why is that your business?
Person: I'm just curious....
-end scene-


If you're 'curious' read a book, do some research. There are TOO MANY youtube videos about any & everything to be bothering people with crap. Well, maybe it's just me. I get so many stupid (yes, there are such things as stupid questions) I just get annoyed.


"Why do you do X?"
"Don't use miss Y?"
"I could never do Z!"


Who asked you?

* Sidenote: No, I'd prefer no questions. Think about it like this: I'm one person. Stop & think about how many times I've run into the question you're about to utter. Then think about how it will enrich your life. It probably wont. Lesson? Mind your flickin business.





*Sidenote 2: This is a rant. It's all over the place. *shrug*


- end rant -

all better so soon?

I'm at 100% again. Who knew I'd get over that mess so quickly? Distractions, basically me living my life, helped so much. Who knew? My friends were there for me of course... But I've never felt more like an adult than I did going through that ..... You can't just up & disappear or abandon responsibility.... as much as you want to. No personal days. Just.... grin & bear it. I guess.

1/13/12

My Favourite ABG Episode: 11

I can't get enough of this episode. And ironically, it suits my mood this week to a tee. (FYI: I looked up the 7 Stages of Grief ~ Break-Up Edition * & apparently the rageI'm feeling is perfectly normal. GREAT. I'll squeeze in as many workouts possible.)


Ooo. I'm searching for the ratchet (yes, ratchet.... sp?) song playing while Jay is drunk *delayed spoiler alert*......(@8:58 & onwards).... As misogynistic as the lyrics are the beat is stuck in my head...... Anyway.... Enjoy the episode ( & the series!)


* I only read the headings.... I wasn't trying to read all that text. Sorry. *shrugs*

1/12/12

solace in a hopeless place 2

Here's the quotation in context:


On Joy & Sorrow

      Then a woman said, "Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow." 
      And he answered: 
      Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. 
      And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. 
      And how else can it be? 
      The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. 
      Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven? 
      And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
      When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. 
      When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. 
      Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater." 
      But I say unto you, they are inseparable. 
      Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed. 
      Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
      Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced. 
      When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall. 



blog update

Yes, I moved the blog back over here.... For now. I like wordpress, but I need to figure out how to do all that tech savvy stuff (re: for my site.... coming sometime in 2012). I make no promises this year to blog every day, every month or at all. Whatever occurs, happens naturally. I think that's best anyway.

solace in a hopeless place

My friend just shared this with me:


" When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. " - Kahlil Gibran


I have a lot to learn.

Live & Learn.... & Trying to Forget



How do you move forward? Yes, you've ended that relationship/friendship, cut ties, but how do you really move on? Time heals all wounds, I can attest to that. And it's so hard to move forward with unresolved issues, or when holding on to what could have been.


It's been 3 days & I know I need to let go. And in a way I have. But my heart is still there. It's stuck. That's what happens when you open yourself up to someone else. When you let your guard down & allow them to successfully surmount the walls around your heart.


You're not supposed to have regrets. Or dwell on the past. Or any of that stuff. I've learned to glean lessons from every situation & keep it moving. I just didn't know that I'd be in this predicament ever again.


So I'm asking myself, how can I forget? There is nothing more that I want in this world right now than to forget everything that happened. Pretend like it didn't happen. How can I speed up the process... & reach the point where I can look back & feel nothing? To where I need clues to figure out what/who someone is referring to?


I never thought I'd be here again.

1/11/12

failure

There's nothing worse than failure in my eyes.

Not so much others failing you. But you failing yourself.



It's the lowest feeling in the world. Especially knowing that others have such high expectations for all the potential & talent you carry.

Failure, for me, is painful. I'm ashamed, angry, frustrated & feel hopeless.

And then I get back up & try again. With a little less pep, a little less hope, but willing to try again nonetheless.

And then sometimes you need to walk away.

When though?

donde eres?

Arrived at the conclusion this past week... and after my experiences (& success) last year, that writing might not be it for me. At all. I'm still exploring if it's the scribbling that drives me up the wall, or the type of work I study: journalism.

For me, writing is all I know. And it doesn't help when you feel like you can't do anything else. I want the adage 'love what you do & never work a day in your life' to apply to me. The journey isn't supposed to be easy. But I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to abhor it either.

So, what to do?

I created my vision board in the space of 3 (okay maybe 5) hours on January 2nd. It has everything I want for my life at this point on it: health, financial freedom & my goals. When I was done snatching pictures, feel-good phrases & poignant words, I realized none of it had to do with my current career path.

Not one picture of myself in the field, or any mentions of career goals. Realizing that scared me so much. I was the little girl who had her life planned out: school for x years, travel for x years, career/success by x age & producing a healthy set of twins by x time.

Life happened.

Now I'm the young woman who's forced herself onto a path that I'm unsure about. Ironically, its the most sure I've been about anything thus far. After thinking about it....

There's no doubt that I have a talent. But I have many. And it doesn't mean this is it for me. There's more out there. I just to find, own & embrace it.

So I guess, that's what this year will be all about. I'll finish my program & look into how I can use what I have to embark on discovering & defining my dreams.

Mid-20s crisis much??!

closed

I'm thankful for 2011's lessons. I've grown. Learned how to love again. Perhaps the most worthy lesson of all. As one chapter closes in my life another begins.




Here's to the future.


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